Cordelia the Wise
by Kelley and Shelley
Summary: REPOST Cordelia chats with various characters after the events of I'll Most Likely Kill You In The Morning. Please read before the sequel called Camelot is a Silly Place.
1. Out Of The Closet

Title: Cordelia the Wise  
  
Authors: Kelley and Shelley (beanyb1999@hotmail.com)  
  
Spoilers: Nothing at all for season six. This wouldn't even happen if hell froze over.  
  
Disclaimer: Unless pigs fly, reindeers dance, stuffed animals come to life, and we have our college tuition paid off, Joss and Mutant Enemy still own ALL of these characters, although we still have plans to kidnap Xander and Spike. Don't even try to sue us, the judge will just laugh at you. We don't even own the materials to write this.  
  
Summary: A short interlude to "I'll Most Likely Kill You In The Morning". You need to read that story first, unless you enjoy being confused. In that case, read away. If not, read the story or none of this will make sense at all. We're attempting to tie up a few loose ends before we start the sequel. Plus, we just wanted to give Cordelia a little more airtime. This will be a series of three conversations between our favorite May Queen and various characters. Cordelia and Xander talk.  
  
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Cordelia slowly walked into Xander's hospital room, carrying a large bouquet of balloons and a box of pizza. "Dammit. You're awake. Now I have to own up to buying you something, and I have to share the pizza."  
  
Xander smirked. "Like you could really eat that whole pizza."  
  
"Having visions speeds up the metabolism. Plus, working with a guy who doesn't eat doesn't help much."  
  
Xander looked slightly puzzled. "Angel doesn't eat?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Never?!" Xander asked, completely baffled.  
  
Cordelia narrowed her eyes. "No! How hard did you hit your head? He's a VAMPIRE! It's strictly a liquid diet for him."  
  
"No way!" Xander exclaimed. He must eat while you're not there!"  
  
"I'm practically always there. He doesn't eat! Why are you asking?"  
  
"Merciful Zeus!" Xander gaped at the May Queen. "Spike eats ALL THE TIME! He decimated my Twinkie stash when he was living in my basement . . ."  
  
"Spike lived in your basement?" Cordelia asked, surprised.  
  
" . . . not to mention the Cocoa Puffs, Cap'n Crunch, the Reeses Puffs, Count Chacula, Fruity Pebbles, Wheetabix . . ."  
  
"Why did you have Wheetabix?"  
  
"Do you know how disgusting that looks mixed with blood, by the way?" Xander asked offhandedly.  
  
"Eew! Can't he use milk like a normal . . . oh wait, never mind."  
  
"He drank all our milk too! He ate all the jelly donuts, the apple fritters, the frozen fish sticks. I stopped bringing chocolate home because I never got to eat any of it. He ate all the Rocky Road, Turtle Tracks . . ."  
  
Cordelia gaped at him.  
  
" . . .ok, he shared that after I threatened to tie him back to the chair. And he looked hilarious when he was vamped out and had peanut butter stuck in-between his teeth."  
  
"Peanut butter?" Cordelia asked in disbelief.  
  
"Oh yeah. He really loved his peanut butter and blood sandwiches . . ."  
  
"Ok!" Cordelia cried, disgusted. "I get the picture! How long did he live with you?"  
  
"I don't know. A week or two."  
  
"Why didn't he try to kill you?" she asked.  
  
"The chip. Remember?" he replied, as if this was something everyone in the world knew about.  
  
"Well, why didn't you just let him go?"  
  
Xander shrugged. "I don't know. I guess we were afraid he'd spend his time pushing little kids in front of cars or tripping old ladies. I don't know. He was pretty helpful. And if you ever tell him I said that, I'll kill you."  
  
"At the risk of some more really bad images, what's up with you and Spike?"  
  
Xander replied, deadpan, "We're engaged."  
  
Cordelia suddenly appeared faint.  
  
"I'm joking, Cordy." He stopped, looking both ways, making sure no one was around. "I want you solemn oath that you will never repeat this to anyone."  
  
"I swear on next month's paycheck," she said with a nod.  
  
"Not good enough."  
  
She thought about it for a moment. "Oook. I swear on every pair of shoes I own."  
  
"Ok, that'll do," he replied quickly. He took a deep breath. "Spike and I are . . . friends. I honestly don't know how it happened. It's kinda nice to have a guy friend. I haven't really had one since Jesse died."  
  
"And the whole Spike being in love with Buffy thing doesn't bother you?"  
  
"It did at first, but then I thought about it a little and well . . . let's just say I got my reasons why I don't think it's totally awful."  
  
She frowned. "Why Spike? Of all the creatures in Sunnydale, why make the bleached idiot your best friend?"  
  
Xander looked Cordelia in the eyes. "Why Angel?"  
  
"That's different," she said quietly.  
  
"You're right," he replied. "Me and Spike don't hide in closets and play tonsil hockey."  
  
"And I bet you can't wait to tell everybody," Cordelia said defensively.  
  
"Well, I haven't yet. I'm good with secrets. But could you tell me why?"  
  
She sighed. "He makes me happy and not in that Buffy/Angel doomed love kinda way. There's no brooding or fatalistic thinking or worrying about losing his soul. We don't have this perfect true love meant to be together kind of thing. We just wanna be with each other. It's kinda like a best friend who you like to flirt with and it just sort of evolves from there."  
  
"At least that's an improvement from the geeky guy you shove in the closet when you're bored during third period." He smiled. "Of course, that doesn't explain the music."  
  
"I have no idea what you're talking about," she replied quickly.  
  
"Yes you do. You just don't wanna admit it cuz you're the one who came onto me, hence the reason the music is the exact same."  
  
Cordelia bit her lip. "Did anyone else hear the music?"  
  
He grinned. "Nope. Just me and everyone else at the hotel and probably half of Sunnydale. It's a good thing you were too busy sucking face to notice it all that much, cuz it was really loud. You never were a very good liar."  
  
Buffy walked into the room. "Cordelia, agitating the patient?"  
  
"No, we were just talking about . . .about . . .the weather," she said, nodding and smiling.  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Liar."  
  
Xander chuckled. "See? Told ya!"  
  
"Shut up, Xander. I'm leaving now." She got up from the chair she had been sitting in.  
  
"Bye Cordy." He winked. "Good luck with your friend."  
  
Cordelia glared. "Bye, Xander." She abruptly left the room.  
  
  
  
NEXT: Cordelia and Buffy have a little chat. 


	2. Swapping Insults

Title: Cordelia the Wise  
  
Authors: Kelley and Shelley (beanyb1999@hotmail.com)  
  
Spoilers: As if! This won't happen . . .ever! But we do refer to a few old episodes . . . mostly from Season Five.  
  
Disclaimer: If we lived to 120, we still wouldn't outlive the copyrights of Joss Whedon. We'll never own them.  
  
Summary: Buffy and Cordelia talk. Dawn's prostitution is brought to light. Oh, did we say that? Spike acts his age. We're not joking. Really, he does! All of these conversations took place before the end of "I'll Most Likely Kill You In The Morning." Just think of them as a pre- epilogue.  
  
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Buffy sat at her kitchen table, staring at her hands. She signed heavily and closed her eyes for a moment. Sleep would be a good thing, but she doubted she would be getting to do that.  
  
She opened her eyes when Cordelia sat down next to her. They both sat in silence for a moment.  
  
"So, did you and Xander have a good talk?" Buffy asked, interrupting the silence.  
  
Cordelia jumped. "What? What? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Why?"  
  
Buffy narrowed her eyes. "Jumpy much?"  
  
"Sorry, I'm tired," Cordelia said, only half lying.  
  
"I understand." She paused. "So, I notice that you and Angel have gotten pretty close."  
  
Cordelia coughed on the drink she had in her hand. "Uh, yeah." She eyed Buffy carefully. "I guess. Does that bother you?"  
  
Buffy grinned at Cordelia's jumpiness.  
  
"Not as bad as I used to think it would," she replied honestly.  
  
"Oh . . .good. Not that I care or anything."  
  
There was the May Queen that Buffy knew. She let out a short laugh. "Ok, Cordy. More power to you."  
  
"Thanks, I think." Cordelia paused. "So, Spike . . ."  
  
"Huh? What about him?" Buffy was on the jumpy side now.  
  
"I still hate him. Don't worry . . . " Cordelia retorted.  
  
"Why would I . . .?"  
  
"But he looks very good without a shirt," she said with a grin, nodding her head softly. "I mean, wow. Don't you agree?"  
  
Buffy sighed. "You just don't know what's under that duster until he finally takes it off and what am I saying? This is Spike we're talking about!"  
  
"Yeah. Exactly. Spike. He's very sexy."  
  
Yep, same Cordelia. Same blunt, tactless Cordelia. Anya and Cordy should probably have a contest to see who is most blunt.  
  
"He's Spike! How can you think of him in any way other than annoying vampire?"  
  
"You know he's in love with you, right?" Cordelia questioned slowly.  
  
Buffy opened her mouth to talk, but closed it again.  
  
"Don't tell me you don't know!" Cordelia exclaimed.  
  
"I know. I knew before I died. He told me he was in love with me numerous times. He can't love me though," she said, almost as if she were trying to convince herself.  
  
"Why? Because he's a soulless vampire?"  
  
Buffy blinked. "No. Yes!"  
  
Cordelia shrugged. "You loved Angel."  
  
"That was different."  
  
"No, it's not. If anything, it's better."  
  
"What's better?"  
  
"Spike loving you," Cordelia stated matter-of-factly.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because," Cordelia began, "this so-called 'monster' resembles a human, even his emotions. You have to admit, you guys are very close."  
  
"I guess. We TOLERATE each other. He's not human. I'm looking for a normal boyfriend."  
  
"Riley! I heard about him! He was human." Cordelia tilted her head.  
  
"He wasn't normal. Plus, he left me . . .just like every other man in my life."  
  
Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Giles has never left you. Xander has never left you. Spike . . . well, he isn't going to leave you."  
  
"SPIKE doesn't leave me alone," Buffy emphasized.  
  
"Why can't you give the guy a chance? I can't stand him and even I know that you're wrong about him."  
  
"He's a soulless vampire," Buffy spat.  
  
"Don't give me that, Buffy! So was Angelus, and you still loved him!"  
  
"But . . ."  
  
"It's not different! Well, it is a little. For one, Angelus had no humanity in him. Spike does. You even heard Darla say so. Two, even without a soul, he still loves you. He has to have some sort of soul at least," Cordelia said slowly.  
  
"That doesn't make any sense," Buffy said, furrowing her brow.  
  
"Neither does love. But love is still love. You should know that. Love knows no gender or race. And there are vampires with feelings. Like Spike . . .and Drusilla."  
  
"I'd rather not think about Drusilla. Look, I don't want to get involved with anyone. It never fails. Whenever I find a man, he leaves me." Buffy shook her head.  
  
"Spike won't."  
  
"Yes, he will! It's bound to happen. It has to," Buffy cried.  
  
"Why would he? He doesn't have to worry about losing a soul like Angel. He's gonna stick around. He dated Drusilla for a hundred years for crying out loud!"  
  
"He'll leave," Buffy said softly.  
  
"He might if you keep pushing him away!" Cordelia said adamantly.  
  
"And why should I let him get close? Angel and Riley left when I let them get close. My dad left us! I should keep him far away."  
  
"I can't believe you, Buffy," Cordelia said, sounding angry.  
  
"I'm just scared. Ok, Cordy?" Buffy glared at the May Queen.  
  
"Oh my gosh. You're not scared he's going to leave you." She sat back in the chair and folded her arms over her chest and smirked. "You know that won't happen. You've tried and tried to make him leave."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Buffy asked in exasperation.  
  
"You're more afraid that he's going to stay," Cordelia responded.  
  
"Well, yeah. He's always around," Buffy muttered.  
  
"No! I've figured it out, so listen. Buffy Summers, you are not afraid he's going to leave. You're afraid he's going to stay."  
  
"That's ridiculous," Buffy said, dismissing the idea with a wave of her hand.  
  
"It scares you that he'll actually be the one to stay and you don't know how to deal with it. But you're swimming in him, Summers."  
  
"That's what he said to me once." Buffy looked down at the table. "What if . . .what if I accept him? And he does stay? And someone puts a stake in his heart? Or he . . . what if?"  
  
"You can't worry about the what ifs, Buffy. All you can do is try to give him a chance. That's all."  
  
"It's crazy . . ." Buffy was still trying to get out of this. Cordelia wouldn't give up.  
  
"Buffy, he's a lovesick puppy."  
  
Buffy chuckled at Cordelia's comment.  
  
"All I can say is think about what I said."  
  
Buffy looked at Cordelia and slowly nodded.  
  
"I guess." She smiled weakly. "I guess I could at least try."  
  
"You'll be happier for it. Give him your hand. Let him help you. Don't try to handle everything by yourself. Open up to him. Don't be afraid anymore," Cordelia said with wisdom Buffy didn't know she had.  
  
Buffy chuckled at something. Cordelia got a puzzled look on her face.  
  
"What are you laughing at?"  
  
"Ya know, when he told me he loved me, I really wigged out? I thought it was out of the blue. But then I thought about it. He'd been acting weird for months."  
  
"Denial can be a very strong thing. So, what did he do?"  
  
"Lots of things! Stupid stuff! He stood underneath the tree under my window, watching me. When I asked him what he was doing there, he called me a bitch, which wasn't that unusual. But then he told me I had stupid hair."  
  
"Ugh, who is he to talk?"  
  
Buffy giggled. "And he tried to help all these people at the Bronze when Olaf the Troll showed up."  
  
"Olaf the Troll?"  
  
Buffy shrugged. "One of Anya's ex boyfriends."  
  
"Oh. Ok. All right. Keep spilling."  
  
"There was the time me and Xander and Willow were at the Bronze. They were both away from the table, and Spike suddenly walked over. He was dressed . . .different."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"He looked nice. I thought he was going to church or something. It was kinda like that time I dressed Xander for you on Valentine's Day. He started talking to me out of nowhere, like we were old buds."  
  
"Men . . . they're pathetic."  
  
Buffy nodded in agreement.  
  
"And then there was that time he lied to me to get me to go out on patrol with him."  
  
"What?"  
  
"He told me he found the nest of vamps that killed a bunch of people on the train. Of course, that just turned out to be Drusilla. That was definitely not one of his finest moments."  
  
"Did he ever do anything impressive?" Cordelia asked.  
  
"Well, he did let Glory beat the shit out of him when she was trying to find the key. He looked awful. Even Xander felt sorry for him. First he nearly gets beat to death and then we take away his Buffy-bot."  
  
"Ok, now I'm really confused. Buffy-bot?"  
  
Buffy sighed. "That's another story completely. Another of his not-so- fine moments."  
  
Spike suddenly walked in through the back door, the younger Summers thrown over his shoulder. She was screaming to be put down, pounding him ineffectively in the back.  
  
"I found this little bugger on the street corner trying to sell herself for milk money." He glanced back at Dawn. "What do I owe you?"  
  
"You pig!" Buffy and Dawn screamed in unison.  
  
Spike laughed. Dawn struggled to get down.  
  
"Put me down before I start putting holy water in your blood supply!"  
  
"Like I'd ever fall for that," he said, holding onto the teenager tightly.  
  
"I'll tell the police you're stealing cable. The only time you'll ever see Passions again is in the jail cell with your boyfriend Bubba."  
  
Buffy stared at Dawn in disbelief. She suddenly realized that Dawn actually was a fifteen-year-old girl raised in the time of MTV. She glared at Spike. "You're a bad influence."  
  
Spike grinned, finally placing Dawn on the ground. "Yeah. I'm evil. Don't forget it."  
  
"So are teletubbies," Dawn said. "But little kids still make fun of them."  
  
Spike growled.  
  
With a streak, Dawn ran upstairs.  
  
Spike started to follow her but Buffy stopped him. "You know, I could take Angel with me on patrol if you and Dawn want to play hide and seek."  
  
"Not bloody likely." He ran to the stairs. "I'll get you later, Nibblet! Evil's afoot and I have to beat the bloody hell out of it!"  
  
"Bye, Spike!" Dawn screamed. "Kick evil's ass!"  
  
"Dawn!" Buffy screamed. "Watch your mouth!"  
  
"Spike gets to say anything he wants in the house!"  
  
"Well, when you're over 120, you can too!" Buffy said, giving Spike an evil look.  
  
"Ok!" She shut the door to her room and smiled. She couldn't wait until the next time Buffy got onto her for swearing. She could remind her that she was way older than 120, and could therefore say anything she wanted. Buffy had said so. Victory was hers.  
  
Buffy looked at Cordelia. "Are you sure you want to stay here with her?"  
  
"Please, I work with three men with the combined mentality of . . .well, Einstein. But mostly, they act like a bunch of teenagers. And they act like such babies. Ow! I got stabbed. Oh woe is me! I can't go out in the sun. All my books got blown up with the last office! Boo hoo." Cordelia smiled. "Oh, and Buffy? Don't forget what we were talking about earlier."  
  
"I'll think about it," Buffy said through gritted teeth. She walked over to Spike, where he stood at the bottom of the stairs, still trading insults with Dawn.  
  
A year ago, this would have alarmed her. Heck, even up to right before she died, she would have thought this impossible. Spike was friends with a helpless teenage girl. She smiled, thinking of some of the things they must have done while she was away (pronounced "dead") the last few months. Heh heh heh. She walked towards him and smacked him on the back of the head, mid-insult. "Act your age, Spike."  
  
"Ok." He hobbled out the door after Buffy, his back hunched over. "Oh! My hip hurts! It must be getting ready to rain soon!"  
  
Buffy turned around and threw him out the door. She turned to Cordelia. "See what I have to put up with?"  
  
The door closed at Cordelia's uproarious laughter.  
  
  
  
NEXT: Angel and Cordelia talk. 


	3. Ice Cream

Title: Cordelia the Wise  
  
Authors: Kelley and Shelley ([1]beanyb1999@hotmail.com)  
  
Spoilers: Heh, nothing at all. This will never happen. We'll just have to face it.  
  
Disclaimer: The characters of BtVS and Angel belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, UPN, the WB, 20^th Century Fox, and all those other little companies with their little icons at the end of the show. We're still working on obtaining rights to Xander and Spike.  
  
Summary: This is the final conversation with Cordelia. Cordelia and Angel chat while walking through the streets of L.A. Interlude to "I'll Most Likely Kill You In The Morning" which you should read in order to make sense of all this. Grrr. Argh.  
  
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Cordelia and Angel walked down the streets of L.A., arms linked together.  
  
Angel looked down at Cordelia. "So, what kind of ice cream do you want?"  
  
"Mmm. Ben and Jerry's." She smiled. "Chocolate Fudge Brownie...or something like that."  
  
"Sounds interesting."  
  
"Why don't you have some too?"  
  
"Uh, the whole vamp thing, Cordy," Angel replied.  
  
"So what?" she asked, shrugging.  
  
"Well, unless they have blood flavored ice cream..."  
  
"Angel! Eeew!" She smacked his arm. "No, really. Why don't you have some REAL food?"  
  
"Which part of vampire don't you understand?"  
  
"Come on! Spike eats real food!"  
  
"Spike's a freak," Angel muttered.  
  
"So? He eats real food. Xander said that Spike ate most of the food in his parents' kitchen. Did you know that Spike lived in Xander's basement for awhile?"  
  
Angel shook his head. "Nope."  
  
"Yeah. He did. Isn't that crazy? He had Spike tied to a chair most of the time even though Spike had that chip that wouldn't let him hurt anyone."  
  
Angel narrowed his eyes. "I just can't believe that Spike and Xander are friends now. I never thought that would happen."  
  
"Tell me about it," Cordelia said with a huff.  
  
"I mean, what do they have in common?" Angel asked more in wonderment.  
  
"Let's see. They both hate you. I'd say that's enough."  
  
"Gee, thanks, Cordy."  
  
"What? Are you jealous or something?"  
  
"NO. I just find it really strange...them as friends."  
  
Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Yeah. Well, so is the Buffy/Spike saga."  
  
Angel looked at Cordelia. "That being?"  
  
Cordelia sighed. "You know. Spike loves Buffy. Buffy's in denial."  
  
"That's just disturbing," Angel said with a shake of his head.  
  
"It's true though."  
  
"Buffy and Spike? That wouldn't last."  
  
"How do you know?" Cordelia asked in annoyance.  
  
"Because we're talking about Spike here!"  
  
Cordelia nodded. "Yup. Spike."  
  
"Does this not concern you at all?"  
  
"Angel, Spike isn't going to hurt Buffy. He's exactly what she needs if you ask me."  
  
Angel glared. "Why?"  
  
"Because, he just won't. He's loyal and in love and enjoys driving Buffy and Dawn absolutely bonkers. Although...eh, just forget that last part. He really cares for both of them. You should really see him around Dawn. It's strangely cute. Ok, yeah, I admit, demon, but I don't think he's that bad of a guy though. Like I said, he's really loyal." She paused and then narrowed her eyes. "Ok, let's get some ice cream fast. All this good talk about the annoying bleached wonder has left a bad taste in my mouth."  
  
"Ya think?" Angel mumbled.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Whatever, Angel. This is something. What is it?"  
  
"It's...it's nothing."  
  
"Does it bother you that Buffy trusts Spike?"  
  
Angel shook his head. "No, that's not it."  
  
"Stop it, Angel! Tell me what it is!"  
  
Angel smiled. "I'm fine, Cordy. Really."  
  
Cordelia tilted her head. "Are you more bothered that Xander accepts Spike as a friend or that Buffy overcame her hatred of him?"  
  
Angel looked at Cordelia thoughtfully. "I honestly don't know. Xander and I never got along. Sure, there was the Buffy issue, but I had a soul. . . well, most of time. I don't understand any of it."  
  
"We're talking about Xander here, Angel," Cordelia explained patiently. "Trying to understand him leads to mental instability. The smart ones just decide to chalk it up to the Hellmouth."  
  
Angel smiled at the comment. "Spike never was quite sane."  
  
Cordelia looked at Angel for a moment. "You're not gonna try to get Buffy back, are you?"  
  
Angel rolled his eyes. "No!" He thought for a moment. "You don't think Spike and Xander will be back, do you?"  
  
Cordelia shrugged. "Who knows?"  
  
"I seriously hope not."  
  
"Why? Can't take the hair cracks?"  
  
"Shut up. Let's just say I had to fight to keep Angelus under control while they were around. If they're around long enough, it won't take a true moment of happiness for Angelus to emerge this time."  
  
Cordelia stopped walking and stared at Angel. Angel stared back at her.  
  
"What?" he asked innocently.  
  
"Let's just hope for the safety of everyone else that actually never happens."  
  
"Yeah. I'd hate for you to get stuck in the middle of that."  
  
Cordelia laughed. "Oh, please."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Believe me, when I got through with Angelus, he'd wish he'd stayed where he was. He'll regret the day he ever met Cordelia Chase."  
  
Angel smirked. "Believe me, he already does."  
  
Cordelia slapped Angel's arm. "Hey!"  
  
Angel laughed. They began to continue their walking again.  
  
"So...you gonna get any ice cream?"  
  
"Maybe," Angel said with a grin.  
  
Cordelia smiled. "Yep, I'm gonna make you crack."  
  
"You already did. You drive me crazy."  
  
"Don't make me hurt you, Angel."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
They were both silent for awhile.  
  
"I STILL can't believe Spike and Xander are friends!"  
  
"Angel, get over it. We already passed that topic. Stop whining."  
  
"Yes, ma'am," Angel said, deadpan.  
  
THE END  
  
NOTE: Guess what! The sequel is up now! At least, the first few chapters are! Please read it. We'll love you forever!  
  
References  
  
1. mailto:beanyb1999@hotmail.com 


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